Well, that old familiar chill is in the air. People say that summer is the time for weddings, but it seems like winter better fits the true nature of holy matrimony these days. Ever been disturbed by the extreme amount of detail put into a wedding, as though it is not just vain but subtly mis-focused? This couple blows the stereotype out of the water and had a true fantasy wedding with their Zelda-themed wedding:
Holy Matrimony, no doubt. I suppose marriage truly has become for gay people in every sense of the word. No wonder nobody takes marriage seriously anymore. It’s hard to make your vows before the Lord when you’re dressed like a fairy.
“It really began with a visit to another friend’s wedding with John, realizing that I would never do a lot of the more traditional stuff, like dancing (neither of us dance).”
So in other words, they are lazy. Dancing is not hard at its most basic level. You just hold each other and spin. And there are plenty of classes available for wedding planning. They could have spent $50 on that instead of however much those costumes cost. This couple is confusing “too cool to be cool” with “I’m a loser,” a common mistake. At least they saved their virginity for each other.
Notice everyone in the wedding party is overweight or outright obese. Unhealthy people at a video game wedding. The jokes write themselves; I don’t even need to tell them. Society tells you for years that you cannot believe stereotypes, and then you find photographic evidence shattering your childhood idealism. Bigotry is not always a choice.
Of course they wrote their own vows. The bride said, among other things,
“For my will is as strong as yours.”
So in other words, they’ll be miserable in two weeks and divorced in a year. Two strong-willed people cannot live as one.
“…after spotting your online profile on a dating website.”
You don’t say? How could two people living in a fantasy world not find love in real life?
“I will bear your obnoxious nature.”
She’s already nagging him in public, and on their wedding day even! How long until she starts blowing the guy dressed as Ganondorf? Women love a man with power. He has a castle, and the groom at most has a trailer.
“John, you are a sweet man. You do your best to take care of me, and I appreciate you. You offer comfort and stability.”
So many red flags in that. Women like men who are kind, not sweet. She says, “I appreciate you,” as though he’s doing her a favor by “[doing his] best.” And “you offer comfort and stability” is another way of saying “you’re boring.”
“I suspect many of the people here never thought they would see this day.”
I literally lol’d (such a juvenile occasion requires a juvenile abbreviation). And of course he settled for the fatty. Maybe if she wasn’t so strong and independent (sic nagging and bitchy), she wouldn’t have had to settle for him. Funny how people tend to get the spouses they deserve.
“I will strive to help you be what you wish to be, as best I can. I know it is not my place to tell you what to do, and I know you will treat me with a similar respect.”
No, it is your place, and no, you don’t know that. How about when you say, “Honey, I’ve had a tiring day at work. Would you mind doing the dishes?” to which she’ll respond, “I cooked and cleaned all day! Don’t you love me?!” If you’ve got a dick in your pants, act like it. Show some leadership, and she’ll come like Santa Claus.
If you truly want to have a medieval themed-wedding, do it the Roman
way where you symbolically rape your bride (which continues today when the groom carries the bride over the threshold). Swords and feminism are contradictory themes.
His vows are fairly repetitive. Loser offering to defend and accommodate a dumpy woman while admitting he’s generally unlikable. He actually says, “I’m not an easy man to know…we both know I’m forged of too stubborn a metal.” It’s like watching a video of a train seconds before it wrecks.
Weddings like this are why kids grow up thinking marriage is for losers, although this couple’s divorce will be so bitter that their kids would be scarred for life anyway. If you’re going to have an unconventional wedding, at least take the timeless
advice of Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew
and make sure you win
in the end: