File Under “The Church Of England Is Trying To Slit Its Wrists”

My readers at Jolly Old Return of Kings love it when I write about religion, but this is a bit beyond the scope of ROK.

England, the whore of the English-speaking world, is in a bit of a spiritual crisis. You see, people suspect that the Church of England will be extinct in 25 years due to lack of attendance. British society is no longer interested in what the Church of England has to offer. So, considering Christianity’s claim of timelessness, you’d think that the bishops would take a look at what they’ve done in the generations during which they’ve had this decline and see what it is they are doing differently as opposed to what they did prior, right? Wrong. They’re doubling down on 16 and hoping to hit 21.

New Technologies

On January 12, 2015, The Telegraph came out with this absolutely idiotic story.

The Church of England will no longer be able to carry on its current form unless the downward spiral its membership is reversed “as a matter of urgency”, the Archbishops of Canterbury and York have warned.

It could face a dramatic shortage of priests within a decade as almost half of the current clergy retire, according to the Most Rev Justin Welby and Dr John Sentamu.

“A matter of urgency”? No shit, but I guess expository dialogue is necessary in today’s banal world of press conferences. You know, if all of society has forgotten that you exist, you might want to be a little less bureaucratic and turn the sensationalism up a few notches.

Meanwhile dwindling numbers in the pews will inevitably plunge the Church into a financial crisis as it grapples with the “burden” of maintaining thousands of historic buildings, they insisted.

Oh, I’m sure the unwilling taxpayer will pick up that tab. Now, onto the climax:

But the two archbishops also called for the Church to invest more in building up its presence on social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter to get its message across online as part of a “major programme of renewal and reform”.

That is literally a godawful idea. What, you think kids are going to click like on the button on the side of the page, and then after seeing your advertisements spamming their newsfeed, they’ll decide to come to catechism class and find out just what this Anglicanism thing is? Because, you know, it’s not like you have a state-sponsored church on every street corner.

The amount of retardedness in this is profound. Social Darwinism demands that your church become extinct. You don’t deserve to be a functional organization. You are the English equivalent of America’s Office on Violence Against Women, except at least you do the British taxpayer the charity of not costing him any money. You are basically plastic fruit. If I were to move to England and then find myself in a spiritual crisis, I’d look at every other Christian group before entering your doors, and if none of those worked, I’d give up on it all and slit my wrists.

And this is from your top bishops, yes? These are the people who graduated at the top of the class from the best seminaries, I assume. It appears that either your ivy league education industry is just as nepotistic and worthless as ours, or that your bishops paid massive amounts of financial or sexual favors to get their positions.

“Attendance at Church of England services has declined at an average of one per cent per annum over recent decades and, in addition, the age profile of our membership has become significantly older than that of the population.

You know, while you’re worried about all your adherents literally dying out, why don’t you give the younger generations a reason to attend beyond patriotism?

The Church Of England Tries To Give The Younger Generations A Reason Beyond Patriotism

Oh, well, there’s the issue. You’ve turned your churches into nightclubs. No wonder nobody respects them anymore. There’s no difference between your churches and the world. Basically, everything I get in the world, I can get in your churches at a lower quality. You have nothing to offer me that I can’t get elsewhere.

Look at the 1:30 mark. Two old ladies leave. So much wrapped up into those few seconds. Two elderly women who have been faithful for years, donating and attending, have slowly watched their church abandon its old beliefs and practices while losing its members. The future looks bleak, but they keep attending, trusting that it will all turn up right. And then they go to a wedding with a fat female priest and watch the place turn into a disco, and at that time they finally give up forever. This is the moment where they decide to stay home on Sundays. It is here where they realize God is dead and there is no heaven.

Even the BBC knows how bullshit you’ve become. Why don’t you try giving people something to respect instead of something to Tweet?

Too Beta To Demand What They Really Want

What else have we gotten recently? Well, they’ve just ordained their first female bishop. Really? I figured they’d have done it already. How long until the first bishop who likes to put his penis in another man’s rectum?

But who gives a shit whether they just ordained a female bishop? Nobody’s surprised. The Episcopal Church in America is the same way, only they’re surprisingly a couple decades ahead. The Episcopal Church wants to mandate priests to perform gay marriage so badly, but they know that the few conservatives are still holding on. So they’re just slowly chipping away while taking a strong stand on neither side of the issue, and eventually they’ll win the battle after having exchanged their entire demographic for a new one. You know, why don’t you just quit bullshitting the world and act on your real beliefs already?

Ideologically Hip With The Times

And let’s not forget this little number from two years ago. The Church Of England wants to support paganism now, or at least try to incorporate it to appeal to alternative spiritualities. The Anglican Church has gone from being the guide of the people to the bitch of the people. You teach doubt, not doctrine or discipline.

This, finally, goes hand-in-hand with November’s caving to the censorship demands from punk-ass kids who will never set foot in your churches either way. There was going to be a debate about abortion between two people who happened to be male. These young atheists flipped all shit, and the church decided to cancel the debate. So now the Church of England isn’t merely not allowed to preach its morality; it isn’t allowed to speculate about its morality. If one were to collect its by-the-book sermons from the 1700s, how many of them would be allowed to be read today?

Read More: Pope Francis


2 thoughts on “File Under “The Church Of England Is Trying To Slit Its Wrists”

  1. I can’t imagine anything more uninspiring than Christianity. It deserves to die.

    I used to be a hardcore Christian, well I tried. But it’s hard to be hardcore about something so elusive, so contradictory, and so meaningless.

    There is no definitive way to understand the Bible because it’s such a haphazard bunch of Jewish nonsense. You have nothing to stand on because whatever you do derive from the Bible some other Christian can challenge with another verse somewhere else in the Bible. Hence all these ridiculous denominations all of course claiming to be the one and true way.

    White people need a new religion. I could never become a Jesus-freak because Jesus was the most pathetic and cowardly character I have ever read about. Even the four Gospels won’t do me the courtesy of being consistent. Such disrespect of my intellect is not deserving of my sincerity. Fuck Christianity.

    On the other hand I could easily become a Krishna-freak because when I read the Bhagavad Gita it made so much sense of so many things that I know it’s true. And I don’t even need to believe in dumb things like the sun standing still in sky for Joshua, or seas being parted, or virgin births, or gold plates being buried in New York about Jesus visiting the Americas.

    The Bhagavad Gita is certainly superior to the Holy Babble. It’s a simple, yet profound conversation between a reluctant warrior and God. It would be a great starting point for White people.


  2. I’m not religious at all, but when I see churches becoming carnivals, the only secular thing I can compare it to is when an art museum, representing the highest of high culture, does an exhibit on Star Wars or some shit like that. Have some dignity, and people will be reverent towards you.


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