I Want to Go to Korea

We haven’t had a war that American security was contingent on since 1812. The Civil War was obviously a farce on both sides. The wars over Cuba and Mexico were superfluous. In WWI, Germany had promised Mexico that they would give them southwest Mexico, but the threat was probably empty. We only fought WWII in order to prop up the failing Soviet state, thanks to our glorious Democrat Party saviour Franklin Roosevelt and his dyke “””wife”””. Korea and Nam were both losses and didn’t affect us anyway beyond two generations of emotional fracture.

But now we are coming up on Korea II. While I honestly believe that I would go to prison before fighting against Russia, I really want to go to Korea. If Trump sends us to war with Korea, I honestly might enlist despite everything I’ve ever said about how the military is mostly made up of losers trying to make their parents proud.

1) Every man loves Asian girls. And every Asian girl loves white men. Sorry white girls, but they are better than you in every possible way. Especially because they have absolutely perfect skin. I could easily bring home a teenage wife.

2) It would be an interesting travel experience. Despite it’s influx of Christianity, it’s still a very different culture. (Fun Fact: Kim Jung Whatever has built a Russian Orthodox Church and has had members of his CIA ordained as priests; and our South Korean allies are about a quarter Christian, especially Presbyterian.)

3) I would get an opportunity to kill people who don’t look like me. It’s horrible reason but an honest one all the same. It’s animalistic. We are all cavemen. I want to kill people outside my tribe. Call me a nigger if you want, but I do.

4) I might die or get a major injury. It’s some kind of hybrid of nihilism and romanticism, but, again, it’s honest. I’m not currently doing anything meaningful with my life. I’m trying to cut down on my excessive drinking (or at least, the driving), so I might as well die killing Charlie. If I get my legs cut off, then I can live on disability. Lieutenant Dan was a far more interesting character than Forrest. The only drawback is that I have a lot of debt, though it should be mostly under control in less than a year.

We haven’t had an important war in 200 years. Korea Round 2 might change that. Kim Jung Whatever is the ultra-rare James Bond Super Villain. While obviously I think the country should avoid war if possible, I also realize that this would be more meaningful than anything we’ve fucked up in MuslimLand in the last 30 years. And, call me gullible, but I trust Trump to only minimally fuck up a foreign war.

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