Storytime: Snow Yellow and the Seven Dwarves

Once upon a time in a far away German kingdom, there was a beautiful princess born to a powerful king. He named her Snow Yellow, since her mother was Chinese. The child was born out of wedlock, but the king had no other children, therefore making her the next heir to the throne. This greatly angered the queen, and she sought to kill the child and the mother.

The Chinese woman fled the castle into the forest. Soon she began to starve, for she lacked any survival skills. After three days of dying of heat exhaustion, seven dwarves passed nearby on their way home from the zinc mine. Their names were Stupid, Flap Jack, TweedleDee, TweedleDumb, Dipshit, Dingus, and Piggy.

“Oh Dwarves!” cried the woman. “Will you come help me? I am dying and have an infant.”

The seven dwarves saw her waving her arms and ran over to see the situation. The woman began to ask them for help but saw that they were deaf-mutes. She despaired of all hope and immediately died.

The seven dwarves signaled to each other that they should bury the woman and take the child home. So they buried the woman and took the child home. They raised the hapa baby as their own daughter. Growing up in such an all masculine environment, she naturally became a bulldyke who could swing a pick axe as well as any man.

In another far away German kingdom lived a handsome prince who heard that there was a lost princess of exotic extraction in the woods. He decided to find her and see if he could woo her favor. He followed the various rumors he heard in the taverns, taking many wrong turns, but at last he came to the little cottage in the woods, where the princess was outside chopping wood and chewing tobacco.

“Wha you want?” asked the princess in a slow, gruff voice.

“I have come to find the lost princess in the woods.”

“Yeah, I reckon that’d be me. Why you askin?”

The prince look shocked at this. She was not at all the little China doll he was expecting.

“Well, I was hoping to court her and perhaps take her hand in holy matrimony.”

“I hae to break it to yeh, but I swing the other way.”

“I’m sorry, my lady, but I don’t follow what you mean.”

“I prefer to have sex with women.”

The prince looked even more stunned.

“How is that even possible? Like, what do you, I mean, I just don’t see the mechanics.”

“Well I dint ever met another woman, but I guess we would figure something out when the time comes.”

“Well, either way, would you like to come back to the castle with me? Surely you don’t like living in this dreadful little cottage.”

“Yeah, that sounds alright. I ain’t doin nothin anyway.”

The gruff hapa woods(more or less)man climbed onto the back of the prince’s horse and together they rode off back toward his castle. In the city the princess saw all kinds of beautiful clothing and smelled delicious food like she had never encountered, for dwarves are notorious for bad taste. The bright colors and magnificent architecture was mesmerizing, and for the first time in her life she felt just a little bit more like a girl.

“I’d surely like to thank yeh for bringin me here. I don’t know what to say,” she told the Prince that evening before the ball.

“It is always a pleasure to help a lady. And you look just beautiful.”

She had put on a dress for the first time in her life. This comment of his made her blush, for no one had ever complimented her looks before. The dwarves had always cared about her, but no one had ever been truly kind and considerate towards her. Distracted at these new, unknown emotions, she put on the glass slipper more roughly than one should — for no one had ever shown her how to wear heels — and the force of her weight and woodsman strength broke the shoe. The glass cut her Achilles tendon and she bled out. The prince her her dying in her arms, and with one first and last kiss, he cured her of all her lesbianism before she died.

Instead of accomplishing all she can,
It is wiser for a girl to go to charm school.
For even if she is better than any man,
Only familial love can make her feel full.


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