I’ll Take Titty Cancer Seriously When The Cult’s Adherents Do The Same

Every October I make breast cancer jokes to my friends. Most laugh it off, but a few get super offended, as though I’m exploiting it for my own gain. Then they spend money on pink bubblewrap and fishing poles and yogurt with a ten cent donation.

It’s almost a kind of Muslim mentality. Nothing about breast cancer awareness is ever to be criticized. It’s super sacred and inviolable. Even South Park didn’t dare joke about it without making a point to say how not funny it is.

And if you survive it, then it defines your whole life forever. You are now A Breast Cancer Survivor. They’ll even throw you a parade. No other disease works like that.  No other disease is an unfortunate accident that has to be stoically waded through.

Breast cancer awareness is all about the cure. There are two problems with this. One, it’s about cure, not prevention. There’s no talk about how to avoid getting cancer. Just live your life as always and try to get checked in time. (The documentary Pink Ribbons, Inc. explains all of this really well.)

Two, there is no cure, because cancer isn’t a disease. It’s a mutation, turning people into the world’s crappiest X-men. Some scientists speculate that everyone would die of cancer if we cured all diseases.

People like breast cancer month because it gives them something easy and inconsequential to do that makes them feel like a good person. Wear a pink tie to church, and you’ve proven your compassion or something. Then you don’t have to be an actual kind, empathetic person in your personal life. You’ve already established your moral superiority. So who is the one who is actually exploiting cancer for personal attention?

Doing anything pink for October is moral laziness.

Then of course there’s the “Save the Tatas” campaign. You know me; I’m no feminist. But even I think reducing a horrible medical tragedy to mere sex appeal is disgustingly anti-woman. Which seems to be a general trend in feminism today, reducing women to the sum of their sexual body parts. I suppose you become whatever you fight against.

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Respectful and Helpful

*****

Jokes:

They say that tying up traffic on Saturday morning for breast cancer is like the running of the bulls, but it looks more like the running of the heifers.

My grandmother lost the race for the cure.

My grandmother lost the fight against breast cancer, because she’s a coward who didn’t try hard enough.

Happy breast cancer month! It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

I wear pink / I should buy this product / [some other lead-in] because I’m a big supporter of breast cancer.

It’s okay for me to joke about it, because [female relative] died of breast cancer.

Breast cancer victims are the true heroes of America. I really admire [female relative] for getting breast cancer.

I hate cancer.

What’s your opinion on cancer?

I’ve been praying for cancer for years, because I’m too much of a coward to commit suicide.

[General derisive laughter at men wearing pink]

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