Reformation Sunday

Today is Reformation Sunday, which commemorates the beginning of church history. And this year is the 500th anniversary of the Germans’ first experiment at burning down Europe. In the process, literacy reached the proletariat and the Bible was made available in mass market paperback. So far no one has ever read the thing.

Supposedly Jesus’s best friends were the kind of people who would offer your kids drugs, and God only gets angry at the kind of people you don’t like. The Protestant Reformation was clearly a success.

Instead of having sex with children like celibate Catholic priests, protestant pastors are allowed to get married and have an affair with the church secretary. Anything beautiful or requiring careful reflection was replaced with tavern music. The church fathers were replaced with Martin Luther’s actions (though never his actual beliefs) and the Westminster Confession, and these are treated almost infallible in themselves. Repentance is more about admitting you are guilty than actually, like, repenting, and you shouldn’t expect to have any social consequences for what you did. As long as you made an emotional impulsive decision as a child, you will go to heaven even if you don’t want to. Jesus only declares you righteous, so there’s no need to actually live righteously.

In their quest to discover the true meaning of the Bible, the reformers glossed over what Jesus said about casting out one demon and replacing it with seven, because it’s not in Romans. Protestantism is just Catholic theology with corn syrup instead of refined sugar.

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