Many teens today want to start smoking, but there’s no one to give them guidance. Therefore, I thought I’d share some of my own. I’m going to give you the tools necessary to start smoking the right way and to do it today!
I could easily quit smoking. I’m not an addict. I can go about a month without before getting fidgety, and I’ve smoked regularly for four years now.
However, I absolutely love smoking, and I’ll never use one of those pussy e-cigs. Let the SJWs have their non-offensive knock-off cigarettes, but real men either smoke real cigarettes or smoke nothing at all. Smoking an e-cig is like getting a blowjob from a tranny. Sure, sometimes you may be desperate if there’s nothing else better around, and it’s almost like the real thing if you close your eyes, but it’s best to just say “no” every time.
Recent studies have shown nicotine to work as an anti-depressant, much to the surprise of absolutely no one. So cigarettes make you feel better. But even if you don’t suffer from clinical depression, there’s something exhilarating about having the smoke fill your lungs and then leave. A kind of poetic orgasm, if you will. You won’t understand it until you experience it.
And I don’t just smoke cigs, either. I dip, chew, snort, smoke a pipe, and pretty much anything aside from cigars, since you aren’t supposed to inhale those.
Smoking is the absolute best networking skill you can find. There is no greater bond than between people who smoke together. You’ll make friends with people you never would have talked to prior.
Plus, you’ll feel cool driving down the road.
Kids, your friends will likely buy the cheapest shit they can find or get whatever pop bullshit out of their mother’s purse. Don’t fall into this trap. The more mass-market the pack, the more added chemicals and the more dependent you’ll become. And more importantly, the more added chemicals there are, the shittier the whole thing will taste. I want the taste of tobacco, not a mere nicotine release. Marlboros are to pure-ish cigarettes as a wet dream is to sex.
The sparkler doesn’t have to be 100% additive-free, though it’s certainly a plus. American Spirit and Native are examples of additive-free brands. Native is very cheap but difficult to come by in many areas of the country. I’m hoping they’ll expand.
One of the reasons I always recommend filterless (or rolling your own with a $40 machine) is because these tend to taste more pure. A pack of Pyramid filterless is a radically different cig than any other kind of Pyramid. You can buy a carton for about $35 where I live.
Don’t judge cigarettes by their price. Prices are set by how mass-market they are, not their level of quality. If you insist on smoking a major brand, by far the best mass-market brand is Camel.
If you start smoking at age 15 on Pall Malls, you will become an addict. I think the reason I never became truly addicted is because I started at age 20 on American Spirits. That being said, I don’t understand the big worry over getting addicted. Everybody—and I mean everybody—has an addiction of some kind that they constantly piss money away on. For some it’s coffee, for others it’s movies, and for some it’s cholesterol-filled American cheese.
I like my cigarettes like my beer and coffee: as heavy and bitter as possible. I want the full taste, and I don’t need to paper it over with a fake mint flavor. So even if you avoid filterless (a novice won’t be ready for it, anyway), stay away from light cigarettes. They usually come in the colors blue and gold. And you’ll find yourself smoking more cigarettes if you smoke light to get that same nicotine hit. They also make your lungs work harder and so do more damage than real cigarettes.
Every Christmas and Easter I buy a pack of cloves, because it’s more religious that way. Also, they are so rich that you’ll grow sick of them if you smoke them too much. These are wrapped in cigar paper, since Obama made it illegal to flavor cigarettes, but beyond that it’s functionally a cig and even has a filter. They taste like Christmas, and even my mother likes the smell.
Follow this brief outline, and you too can be on your way to smoking like a king. No need to fall into the traps of so many people. With my guidance, you’ll enjoy smoking far more than all your friends.
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